Monday, June 8, 2015

Marriage Counseling

I'm thinking about opening up my own marriage counselling clinic.

Not because my marriage is perfect but because I actually understand what I signed up for whereas a lot of people have no fucking clue.

A marriage is a partnership. Your family, that's a business. 

When partners work together according to their strengths, communicate clearly, and put the business first, they achieve great success.

When partners try to place their interests above the business, don't listen or speak to each other, and refuse to acknowledge their shortcomings, the business tanks.

It's not rocket science: in order for a family to thrive, grow, and succeed, all members must be willing and able to put the family first, that is, ahead of his or her own personal wants.

Teamwork, guys! Get your shit together.

What did you think marriage was anyway? 

A vehicle for your greatness? Cheap house-cleaning? Another thing in your shitty life for you to whine and complain about? 

There's a reason you split assets 50/50 when the business goes bankrupt. On paper and in practice you're equal partners. It behooves you to work against each other.

There's no room for one-up-manship here. Your success and your partner's success are one and the same. 

When you have a disagreement the best possible outcome is that you're both right. Then you can share the win instead of hoarding it over one another. And if it happens that one of you is more right than the other, don't be a douche.   

Pop quiz: what do you think the number one cause of divorce is?

Cheating?

Drugs?

Abuse?

Money?

None of the above.

The number one obstacle to a happy marriage is this little cocksucker called the Ego. 


The Ego's like, "You did the dishes and vacuumed and now she wants you to do the laundry? How dare she ask so much of you?" Meanwhile your partner's been slaving away all week and this is her one day off.



Fuck your football, asshole. Get up and do some laundry.

Or the Ego's like "Why doesn't he ever pick his goddamn dirty underwear off the bathroom floor when he's done in the shower? Doesn't he respect you? Of course not. He takes you for granted. All you ever do is cleanup after him and what does he do? Watch fucking football."

Meanwhile your partner's been putting in long hours all week so he can buy you that stupid purse you want so bad. 

Fuck your purse, lady.

But it's PRADA!
If you're tired of picking up after your husband, stop doing it. When he's like, "Hey honey why is the house such a mess" you can calmly tell him that you have too much stuff on your plate to be cleaning up after a grown-ass man.

Here's the trick, friends.

Whenever that voice in your head starts getting you riled up do yourself a favor and take five. Go for a jog. Do a Sudoku. Get comfy and take ten glorious, thoughtless breaths. Whatever you gotta do to reset your mind and get back to a balanced state.

Whatever you do, don't indulge that voice. It doesn't belong to you and it's not right, no matter how much you want it to be.

That voice is the Ego and it isn't looking out for you, your partner, or your family: it's looking out for itself.

If you're looking for a successful partnership, be it in business, friendship, or love, you can't let the Ego steer the ship. Send that bastard away and things will get much easier for all parties involved.
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