Friday, May 8, 2015

Turud Ma'gurd the Boxin' Goblin

AND in the blue corner, fighting out of Deep Mine, Dunshireton, with a professional record of 23 wins, 456 losses, and 1 draw, he's the pride of the lesser races, the impervious punching bag, ladies and gentlemen he's the Boxin' Goblin,


Yeah I know, he's a journeyman, a gatekeeper: all the hot young prospects beat the shit out of him but he gives zero fucks, dude. He's the Boxin' Goblin! Look at his goddamn head: it's like a cinder block!

Who gon' test me?
Ok, ok, what the hell am I talking about? Well, this is the way my mind works. I'm at the office taking notes in a meeting and there's some idle time. So I start doodling:

And then I'm like "Hey, that little guy looks sorta like a goblin."

And the meeting picks up again so I refocus and poor little Turud is all but forgotten.

A few days later I'm cleaning up my disaster (desk) when I come across this little doodle. And I'm like, "Hey, he looks like a boxin' goblin."

Cue snowball effect.

Goblins live in fantasy settings like Tolkien's Middle Earth. Except they don't have prizefighting there because they're all medieval or some shit. So how do I get my little goblin into the ring?

Take Middle Earth and fast forward 1,000 years. Where are we now? A dystopian, steam-punk Middle-Earth.

In the midst of World War I.

They definitely have boxin' goblins there!

Snowball keeps rolling. Now I'm thinking, this would make a great comic book. Dark humor. Satirical take on all the familiar fantasy tropes. How can I stir things up? What's the story here?

First, all elves are hermaphrodites.That's a no-brainer. And one of Turud Ma'gurd's companions is definitely an elf. I foresee drunken nights at the tavern followed by awkward morning scenes. And to create a sense of suspense I'll never reveal who gives and who takes, causing the other characters to speculate endlessly.

Next, and because they're my least favorite of the fantasy races, dwarves are universally hated in this dystopian Middle-world. They're all locked up in volcanic "focus" camps where they feed dragons (who live inside volcanoes, obviously) and shovel dragon shit, which makes great fuel.

OH-OH-OH: magic is like a drug. Wizards get strung out and act like junkies just so they can get some of that sweet delicious mana. Imagine a cross between Gandalf and Tyrone Biggums.

"I need that mana, man. Just gimme a little bit."

Replace the word "crack" with "mana" and you're on the money

Orcs are clearly the bad guys. I figure they're the ones who enslaved all the dwarves in the first place. Poor dwarves! Now they're forced to churn out dragon-shit powered tanks and fighter planes so the Orcs can smite their foes and establish their master race.

Last but certainly not least is Manotaur, another one of Turud's companions. And before you ask the answer is yes, he is the Last Minotaur. He also wears the traditional Minotaur outfit, a tiny loincloth that clings helplessly to his gigantic Manotaurhood.

Everyone else is like, "Dude, can you put something else on?" and he's like NAH. 

So that's where I'm at with this story. I think it has potential but then I think they all have potential.

My question to you, Mighty Reader, is: would you read this comic? And furthermore, do you know how to draw? Because, as you can tell from the doodle, I sure as shit cannot. And why stop there? If you have any idea that could make Turud's adventures more spectacular, don't hesitate to send me your recommendations. 

Good day to you.

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