Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Class Action Lawsuit

Are you a homosexual?

Better lawyer up, friend. 66-year old Sylvia Ann Driskell is taking you to court.

The self-proclaimed ambassador for God and his son, Jesus Christ (I guess they were too busy to file the suit themselves?) wants the court to decide once and for all: is homosexuality a sin, or isn't it?

Not making this up, folks. Reality truly is stranger than fiction.

Only in a nowhere state like Nebraska...

You know it's gonna be good when the very important legal documents are comprised of seven hand-written sheets of lined paper. SMH.

Driskell says that the defendants (the gays) claim that it isn't a sin to be homosexual, and  that “they have the right to marry, to be parents, and God doesn’t care that they're homosexuals; because He loves them.”

Now I know a few people who are part of the LGBT community and I can tell you without any hesitation that exactly none of them are concerned with what Yahweh the Almighty thinks about their sexual escapades.

According to the "documents," Driskell contends that homosexuality is a sin (SHOCKER), and that homosexuals know it's a sin to live a life of homosexuality.

You know, I really doubt that. Unless of course they happened to be raised in, say, a fundamentalist household, in which case, yeah they're going to have some mixed feelings about the whole situation. For instance, they might think: Oh shit, the Bible says that being gay is a sin and I'm fairly certain I love dick!

Hopefully the next few thoughts go something like this.

"Why is it that I love dick but most men love vagina? I mean, I feel like I've always been into dick. And balls, can't forget the balls. So good. Wait: does this mean I was born gay? Yeah, I think I was. So wait: why would God make me gay and then make being gay a sin? What an asshole!"

What Sylvia and so many like her seem to conveniently forget is that morality isn't a concrete thing. It can't be seen, felt, or measured with instruments. We can't take a sample, analyze it in the lab, and say, "Oh yeah, there you see it: definitely a sin!"

Morality is fluid and subjective. It changes from person to person and from situation to situation. Ms. Dryskull should know that! The same book that gave her "Thou Shalt not Kill" also contains countless passages of slaughter bearing God's celestial stamp of approval.

To Sylvia gays really are sinners while to other more logical individuals they're merely people who like to mash genitals with other people of the same sex. No biggie!

I'm not a slimy moral relativist. I'm not saying there's no right or wrong out there, only that the bulk of what we consider morality is speculation, conjecture, and dark twisted fantasy.

There's definitely morality to be found out there and it's fuckin' simple, too. It's just that people like Dryskull are so lost, so distracted by the spectacle that they miss the obvious.

Here's a nice rule of thumb even the ambassador for God can remember and, more importantly, understand.

First, do no harm.

Did I just blow your mind, Ms. Dryskull? Wait: I'm not done.

You know how some guys are into heavy girls, and some guys are into blondes, and some guys like big butts? Well some guys are into guys.

I know, right? Crazy.

And you know how some girls are into clean-cut guys, and some girls like lumberjacks who always smell like cedar, and some girls are into bad boys? Well some girls like girls!

Doesn't sound so bad when you put it that way, right?

Here's an idea, Ms. Dryskull: instead of relying on your surface-level interpretation of a bronze-age anthology of myths, try using your brain.

Homosexuality is sinful to you, of that I have no doubt. So my advice to you is, don't be gay. And if you're really worried about it, don't befriend or associate with gays, either. Hell, you can keep telling the world you think homosexuality is an abomination, for all I care. Knock yourself out. It's your right and I'll be damned if anyone takes it from you, ma'am.

But this whole "Oh I'm so clever, I'm going to take the gays to court and prove once and for all that they're a bunch of big bad sinners" is sad. Seriously. You need a hug. And a dozen or so hobbies.

I mean, how much spare time does this lady have on her hands?

So what do you think, Mighty Reader? Is gayness a sin? Is it a choice? Is there even such a thing as "sin?" Is morality relative? Is Kanye West the genius he believes he is? Does God really have a KILL stamp? Where my dogs at? Arf arf!

No comments: