Trophy Hunting

I wasn't planning to write about trophy hunting but a few people asked me my opinion on the topic so I thought, what the hell. A quick rant can't hurt!

Allow me summarize.

If you kill an animal to feed and/or clothe yourself, you're a hunter.

If you kill an animal for fun, you're a psychopath.

Think about it for a second. Who else keeps trophies of their kills?

Serial killers, that's who.

Anyone else watch Dexter?

If you take pleasure in killing something, doesn't matter if it's a person, lion, giraffe, or duck-billed platypus: you're a weirdo. Your meat-vehicle came off the assembly line with some wires crossed.

They've done research on this. They sat a thousand people in front of a TV screen, hooked their brains up to a special gadget, and started playing different clips.

A touching family reunion.

A car commercial.

A beheading.

For about 99% of people you follow along on the gadget and watch their brains light up like this: pleasure, pleasure, horror.

But for about 1% of the population you see: nothing, nothing, pleasure.

That's right: some people literally get off on pain and suffering. They need to manipulate, steal, hurt, or even kill just to kick-start the old feeling box. Otherwise life is dull and meaningless.

Out of that 1% only a few actually grow up to be a Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. The rest become CEO's, politicians, and medical professionals.

They aren't any better than their serial killer counterparts, mind you: they just lack the balls to follow their dreams. White-collar crime and political corruption are safer than, say, killing prostitutes and canning their livers. So a lot of these guys (not being sexist: they're almost all men) puss out and stay under the radar.

And trophy hunters (like the dentist who wounded Cecil the Lion) are the weakest psychopaths of all! They can't even do it alone. They need locals to help lure the beast and sometimes even finish the job.

You think Dahmer needed help making his sex zombies? Fuck no. He played kidnapper, anaesthesiologist, and mad scientist all at once. Now that's a real monster right there.

These other losers who kill giraffes and rhinos and pandas are Psychopath Lite. They might purposely skimp out on the novacane before doing your root-canal, punch and kick defenceless cattle, cheat on their taxes, lie to and steal from shareholders, but they won't go all the way.

You know me: I'm all about owning it. So to me these weak psychopaths are even more wretched and despicable than their serial killer counterparts.

I can respect the guy who puts it all on the line, who risks his life and freedom to embrace the darkness within. I don't condone his actions but part of me is like "Way to follow your dreams, you sick twisted weirdo!"

And as a bonus psychopaths can't hide after they fully indulge in their twisted fantasies. Once they step into serial-killer land it's only a matter of time before they're caught and locked away for life. Meanwhile weak psychopaths could be hiding anywhere and we'd never know.

So to the trophy hunters I say: save yourself some money. Stop flying to Zimbabwe. Stop killing hippos from a distance. Follow your dreams instead! We both know you'd rather hunt the ultimate prey, so get on with it! Start hunting the long-pig.

Then, after we catch you (and we definitely will because you're a bumbling, ineffectual coward) we can throw you in jail and get rid of you once and for all.

Hipocrites

I've always wanted to try cat.

What I mean is, I've always wanted to eat cat.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because I suspect I've already eaten my fair share (along with everyone else who eats Chinese take-out). Maybe it's because cats are little assholes who think they're sooooo much better than everyone else.

I don't know why. But I really want to eat one.

Quick! Go look in the mirror. You see that look of disgust and outrage on your face? That's called "hypocrisy." Say it with me now: heh-pah-crahssy.

That's right, say it with a Boston accent.

Tell me, what's the difference between cats, cows, chickens, horses, pigs, and dogs?

"Well, um, some of them are pets and others are, well, food?"

Correct! Now let's talk about what they all have in common:

• They're all animals;
• They're all domesticated;
• They all have the capacity for pleasure and plain, fear and joy, even affection; and 
• They all taste delicious.

So why are we okay with eating some but not others? Sounds like discrimination to me!

The reason is that we've spent generations developing emotional attachments to some animals while eating the others.

We're like, "Hey, you see those animals there? Treat 'em like shit, then kill 'em so I can stuff my face with bacon and steak. But those ones over there? I like to cuddle and take cute pictures with 'em, so they're off limits."

In some cultures it's downright weird to own pets. In some cultures keeping dogs, cats, guinea pigs, and other critters in the house is as weird as having a pet chicken in your living room or a pet cow on a leash.

You know they eat guinea pig in Peru? It's a delicacy. You get to pick it out yourself! The cuter the guinea pig, the tastier it is. Or so they say.

And then there's a dog festival in southern China. Sorry, that's dog eating festival.

I'm not trying to gross you out. I'm not preaching a vegan lifestyle. I love meat too! I just don't feel comfortable drawing a line. If we're going to consume the flesh of other living creatures let's set aside half-measures.

Let's abandon arbitrary distinctions between "pet" and "dinner."

Let's stop being so hypocritical.

For years now your precious little pussy got to enjoy Fancy Feast and catnip and snuggling on the couch while you watch reality TV. If I BBQ the little fur-ball tonight at least it had a good life.

Which is a lot more than we can say about last night's roast.

It got stuffed (literally) full of food it doesn't like just so it would make that lovely sizzling sound while on the grill.

It lived shoulder to shoulder with its neighbour, never seeing the light of day.

It got pumped full of chemicals and antibiotics and then died so we could eat.

Meanwhile we have no-kill shelters crammed full of cats and dogs who can't find loving homes. We have deer running out into the street and endangering motorists.

But suggest a deer cull and people get all up in arms. Suggest that shelters serve orphaned kitties to the homeless (and anyone else who wants to dine on feline) and people throw up in their mouth a little.

Fuck your cat. Seriously. It's food. Not my fault you fell in love with it.

And if it ever comes down to you or him, guess what? You'll eat that little fucker in a heartbeat.

So let's stop pretending we care so much about the animals, okay? We might get pissed about trophy hunting or animal abuse but we don't really care. If we did we'd be up in arms about the inhumane treatment of livestock. We'd boycott factory farms right now, march and protest until governments enacted laws mandating the humane treatment of cattle, chickens, and all those other living creatures we call "dinner."

As it stands we're selective about which animals we care about. And by selective, I mean hypocritical.

Look at the happy cow!

So until we can be honest about our role in the needless suffering of animals worldwide I'm going to keep fighting for my right to eat your pussy.

The Book

It's been a minute since my last post so I thought I'd stop in to say hi and maybe drop a rant or two.

No, I haven't forgotten about you. And no, I'm not "quitting" again. I'm working diligently on the Book and things are going so well I'm scared to take a break.

See I've been trying to write this thing for over 6 months now and 99.8% of that time has been spent spinning my goddamn wheels.

Write a chapter. Delete a chapter.

Write 50 pages. Delete 50 pages.

It wasn't writer's block. Stuff was coming out the whole time. My struggle was finding the right hook or access point.

The question I was trying to answer was, How can I make the subject matter relevant to people in the 21st century?

How can I include all the good stuff while still making it accessible, entertaining, and compelling?

And, How can I boil it all down to one or two basic themes that tie everything together?

I toyed with an objective tone devoid of the author's voice, opinion, and anecdotes.

I experimented with Plato's favourite format, the dialogue, so that the whole book would've played out like a conversation between two fictional characters.

Then I tried taking the Morpheus approach. You know, the Book as a red pill: read it and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. But the sleeping/awakened analogy at the core of this approach came off a little too high-and-mighty for my taste.

Like "Oh I'm awake, look at me, I'm so spiritual and enlightened!"

Space Jesus?

Which we all know is far from the case.

In life there is no awakening, only different levels of slumber. Some of us are in REM sleep and deeply embedded in our personal dreams; others hover near the surface and flirt with Truth.

True awakening only happens after life, when we cast these meat-machines aside and dance with the stars once again.

After a few months of making no progress on the Book I started feeling sick. Part of me noted the irony: my desire (and inability) to write about meaning, purpose, and happiness was the only source of unhappiness in my life.

So I said "Fuck it." Either I was going to write this thing or I wasn't. Either way it wasn't going to define me or dictate my mood.

That's when I set the Book aside and promptly ended up here with you.

Like a rejected lover going back to his ex.

At first I just re-read old posts. Then I started writing new ones, only something had changed. The posts came out effortlessly. Whereas before I struggled to write one measly little article now I was firing them off in rapid succession.

I had finally stopped thinking about writing and simply wrote.

No pressure, no pretension, no bullshit.

Coincidentally blogging helped me work through some of the problems I had encountered while attempting to write the Book. Specifically it was this post about finding happiness in the little things that caused everything to fall into place.

The point of access I was looking for, the angle or hook, was happiness. That's what ties it all together and makes it relevant, not only to nerds and new-age types like myself, but to everyone.

After all, who doesn't want to be happy? And more importantly, how many of us truly are?

I had already written on the subject but found that my original happiness hypothesis was only partially true. I still believe that happiness begins within, that it's rooted in our perspective, but more recent experiences have shown me that there is indeed an external piece to the hypothesis.

Happiness starts within but inevitably overflows and spills without into our lives. Equanimity and the ability to give zero fucks  are at the foundation: from there we build upward and outward by finding purpose, meaning, and transcendence.

There's more to it than that obviously, but you get the idea.

Which brings us back to the Meme Merchant.

Why am I here, you ask? Why aren't I writing more of the Book?

Because duty calls. The world keeps turning and with every rotation it produces absurdities that require careful handling.

There's an election coming up and lots of bullshit to dissect so here I am to point out subtle truths and offer a third position in the false dichotomy that pervades our culture.

Whenever we're asked to choose between A) or B) you can be sure that I'll be here with option C) at the ready, a "None of the Above" for the sane.

You might not agree with my option C) but that's not the point.

The point is that we don't have to accept the false dichotomy. We don't have to engage in black-and-white thinking.

The correct answer is always somewhere in those pesky shades of grey.