Trophy Hunting

I wasn't planning to write about trophy hunting but a few people asked me my opinion on the topic so I thought, what the hell. A quick rant can't hurt!

Allow me summarize.

If you kill an animal to feed and/or clothe yourself, you're a hunter.

If you kill an animal for fun, you're a psychopath.

Think about it for a second. Who else keeps trophies of their kills?

Serial killers, that's who.

Anyone else watch Dexter?

If you take pleasure in killing something, doesn't matter if it's a person, lion, giraffe, or duck-billed platypus: you're a weirdo. Your meat-vehicle came off the assembly line with some wires crossed.

They've done research on this. They sat a thousand people in front of a TV screen, hooked their brains up to a special gadget, and started playing different clips.

A touching family reunion.

A car commercial.

A beheading.

For about 99% of people you follow along on the gadget and watch their brains light up like this: pleasure, pleasure, horror.

But for about 1% of the population you see: nothing, nothing, pleasure.

That's right: some people literally get off on pain and suffering. They need to manipulate, steal, hurt, or even kill just to kick-start the old feeling box. Otherwise life is dull and meaningless.

Out of that 1% only a few actually grow up to be a Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. The rest become CEO's, politicians, and medical professionals.

They aren't any better than their serial killer counterparts, mind you: they just lack the balls to follow their dreams. White-collar crime and political corruption are safer than, say, killing prostitutes and canning their livers. So a lot of these guys (not being sexist: they're almost all men) puss out and stay under the radar.

And trophy hunters (like the dentist who wounded Cecil the Lion) are the weakest psychopaths of all! They can't even do it alone. They need locals to help lure the beast and sometimes even finish the job.

You think Dahmer needed help making his sex zombies? Fuck no. He played kidnapper, anaesthesiologist, and mad scientist all at once. Now that's a real monster right there.

These other losers who kill giraffes and rhinos and pandas are Psychopath Lite. They might purposely skimp out on the novacane before doing your root-canal, punch and kick defenceless cattle, cheat on their taxes, lie to and steal from shareholders, but they won't go all the way.

You know me: I'm all about owning it. So to me these weak psychopaths are even more wretched and despicable than their serial killer counterparts.

I can respect the guy who puts it all on the line, who risks his life and freedom to embrace the darkness within. I don't condone his actions but part of me is like "Way to follow your dreams, you sick twisted weirdo!"

And as a bonus psychopaths can't hide after they fully indulge in their twisted fantasies. Once they step into serial-killer land it's only a matter of time before they're caught and locked away for life. Meanwhile weak psychopaths could be hiding anywhere and we'd never know.

So to the trophy hunters I say: save yourself some money. Stop flying to Zimbabwe. Stop killing hippos from a distance. Follow your dreams instead! We both know you'd rather hunt the ultimate prey, so get on with it! Start hunting the long-pig.

Then, after we catch you (and we definitely will because you're a bumbling, ineffectual coward) we can throw you in jail and get rid of you once and for all.