Ego

I've written about the importance of knowing yourself a number of times on this blog. Today I'd like to tell you about the single biggest obstacle to accurate self-knowledge: that sonofabitch, the Ego.

The Ego isn’t you: it’s an amalgamation of all your false-identities. When you identify with stuff that isn't you, you're giving life to the Ego.

Your beliefs, opinions, biases, ideas, judgments, job, possessions, accomplishments, and relationships are not you: they're just the things you do. 

Luckily the Ego doesn't control you: it merely tricks you into acting out. It pulls your strings and you dance like a little puppet.

When someone calls your deeply-held beliefs into question, the Ego says, “Are you gonna let him talk about you like that?”

When someone points out a mistake you've made, the Ego says, “Quick! Blame somebody else!”

When someone criticizes you, the Ego says, “Don’t listen to her: she’s just jealous.”

The Ego pretends that it's looking out for you, that it's defending you from the unjustified attacks of lesser people. In reality, the Ego only looks out for itself.

Eckhart Tolle has a lot to say about the Ego in his book The Power of Now. For instance, 

If you identify with a mental position, then if you are wrong, your mind-based sense of self is seriously threatened with annihilation. So you as the ego cannot afford to be wrong. To be wrong is to die. Wars have been fought over this, and countless relationships have broken down.

The good news is, once you stop identifying with mental positions you lose the desire to defend them.

If you don’t identify with your work, you have no problem admitting your mistakes.

If you don’t identify with (or worse, idealize) your imperfect state, you gladly listen to criticism.

The sting that accompanies your wounded pride is an illusion. The sting is Ego’s finger jabbing, not at your pride, which cannot be wounded, but at your insecurities, doubts, and anxieties. It appeals to emotion, manipulates, and pushes your buttons.   

It deflects, redirects, and projects.

Everything that stems from the Ego is toxic. Even when the Ego tries to make you feel good, it does so in a destructive way.

The Ego uplifts you by bringing others down. It boosts your self-worth by decreasing the self-worth of others.

The Ego loves nothing more than to help you demolish another person's hopes and dreams so that you might climb up the mountain of rubble left behind and feel, for a brief moment, that you're the winner.

Winner of what, exactly? Of being a douche bag. Congratulations!

Want to throw a wrench in the Ego's plans? Be vigilant. Listen for the Ego's sweet whispers. Tolle wisely advises us to "Watch out for any kind of defensiveness within yourself. What are you defending? An illusory identity, an image in your mind, a fictitious entity."

Being offended is a telltale sign of the Ego's handiwork.

Question your basic assumptions and opinions. This will help you detach from them and rob the Ego of its fuel.

It's not that you should abandon your opinions, only that you should recognize them as just that: your opinions. They don't belong to anyone else. In truth, they aren't even yours. You didn't create them, after all. You're just lugging them around in your mind. They're mental baggage.

If someone wants to question your beliefs, let them! What does it matter to you?

If someone points out your mistake, take ownership. The only people who never make mistakes are the people who don't do any work.

And if someone criticizes you, take it with an open mind. Genuinely consider what they've said. Do as Seneca advises and put yourself on trial. If you find no evidence to support your critic's charges, you can disregard them calmly, knowing full well that they are unfounded.

If however you find some truth in the charges brought against you, thank your critic and take heart: you're one step closer to becoming your best self.

Morning Prayer part 2

"When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly." 

- Marcus Aurelius

Compared to Aurelius' other morning prayer, the above probably sounds a little pessimistic. Whereas before he urges himself to "think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive--to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love," he now prepares himself for a long line of unpleasant, unsavoury, and difficult people.

But is it pessimistic to prepare yourself for the inevitable, or simply pragmatic?

We must all interact with people who fall outside our circle of compassion. It's foolish to go around thinking we will get along with everyone we meet. People have different values, opinions, and habits, and it stands to reason that these will differ from your own. And good thing, too. Imagine what a dull world it would be if everyone agreed on everything all the time!

Although Aurelius is prepared to encounter all types of unpleasant people, he takes great care not to resent them, reminding himself that "they are like this because they can’t tell good from evil." In other words, it's not their fault that they're meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, or surly: it's because they are blissfully ignorant or because they cling to a skewed perception of reality. They value the wrong things because they confuse the good with the ill and thus fall into negative patterns of thought and behavior.

Aurelius continues:

But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but of the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. 

Rather than hate these wrongdoers, Aurelius feels a sense of brotherhood with them. Though they know it not, they too possess a splinter of the universal intellect and so there is a chance that they will one day see the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil.

And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. 

No matter what these wrongdoers do, they cannot touch Aurelius. They cannot even incite his anger, only his sympathy.

We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Those ignorant to the nature of good and evil are like the malfunctioning parts of a machine: they have fallen out of harmony with the whole and now hinder its proper functioning. To feel anger towards others--even those who purposely hinder the working of the human machine--is not only unnatural but an obstruction to right living.

Aurelius' words also happen to fall in line with one of Christ's most powerful teachings: that we should love our enemies and do good to those that hate us. Indeed, what merit is there in loving those who reciprocate our love and treat us well? It's natural to love those who love us back. The real challenge is to love those who spite us, insult us, obstruct us, and otherwise mean us harm.

We're so accustomed to fighting fire with fire--to countering insults with insults, aggression with aggression, and so on--that Aurelius' advice may sound backward. And yet a brief examination of our tendencies (and, more importantly, their results) shows them to be fallacious in the worst way.

Wars always fail to resolve the conflicts that spark them. Interpersonal disagreements worsen and become grudges when both parties remain disagreeable. Disease and illness are compounded by poor diet and lifestyle choices.

A force cannot be overcome except by its exact opposite.    

Next time you interact with someone who chafes you, try focusing on their good qualities, however few and minute. Try putting yourself in their shoes or thinking of a time when you irritated and annoyed others. Ask yourself, "What faults of mine resemble most closely this person's faults?" And lastly, try showing them kindness, understanding, and love.

They might not acknowledge or appreciate your good treatment, but then you're not doing it for the recognition.

You do it for yourself, because you know better. You know that people were made for one another, that the only thing that can conquer hate, anger, and the other toxic fruits of bad thought and wrong action are the forces of love, empathy, and sympathy.

You know that by showing kindness to the unkind, generosity to the greedy, and understanding to the ignorant, you fulfill your purpose and serve as a beacon of goodness for those around you.

/rant over