Friday, May 29, 2015

Joe Oliver's Master Plan

Remember how I tore a strip off Tom Mulcair for being fake and contrived?

I admit I was being a little harsh. A friend of mine accused me of being an idealist and I agree.

I get why politicians need teleprompters and scripts, to some extent.

Not everyone can say what they believe eloquently. I certainly can't. I need to rehearse or risk putting my foot directly into my mouth.

Believe me, I'm very familiar with the taste of foot.

Here's another reason politicians should use teleprompters: so they don't say the stupidest shit imaginable in front of an international audience.

"Hey, Joe Oliver, you're the finance minister of Canada. Do you know how can we spur economic growth?"

"Dur, yeah, I gots me a few idears. Why don't we loosen them labour laws up and make it easier for employers to lay people off. That'll really get the economy roaring!"


No wonder Canada's international reputation is down the shitter. I mean, look at the yahoos and morons representing us on the world stage!

In any case, Oliver's statement shows just how little he understands basic arithmetic.

Spurring economic growth by relaxing labor laws to make it easier to lay off workers?

Sure!

While we're at it, let's fight obesity by making it easier for gyms to revoke and deny gym memberships to obese people. 

Right?

Why stop there? Let's improve mental health by giving counselors and psychologists the ability to deny mentally ill people the help they need.

Yeah, that'll work!

Thanks Joe Oliver. You're a genius.

Book Reviews a la Meme Merchant



Most bloggers and book critics review works that have been recently published.

I'm like, fuck that. I'll do as I please, thank you very much.

I'll review 2,000 year old books if I feel like it. I'll review the Book of Job. I'll review the Kama Sutra. I'll review anything I've read in my lifetime, from fiction to scripture to psychology and everything in between.

And when I say review, what I actually mean is "comment on." I'm not going to critique here. I'll tell you why I liked it, what I got out of it, and anything else that pops up.

I won't tell you to go out and read this book.

What I will say is, "If you're into X, then this book is for you."

Or, "If you read and enjoyed Y, then this book is for you."

Or, "If you ever wondered why Z? then this book is for you."

After that you can take it or leave it.

Last thing I want to be is a critic.

Critics are trolls with glasses. Critics are people who have nothing to aspire to, no achievements of their own, so they nitpick other people's achievements. Critics build themselves up by knocking other people down.

If I don't like a book, I won't bother writing about it. Hell, I don't even bother finishing it. I read for pleasure and for self-improvement: if a book provides neither, I put it down and never pick it up again.

That simple.

So any book I review on here is, in my opinion, awesome.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Fights: Arlovsky - Browne

By far the best part of my trip to Vegas was watching UFC 187 live at the MGM Grand.

It was also my first time watching fights in person so I didn't really know what to expect.

I knew I wouldn't get to listen to the commentary. I knew I wouldn't get multiple camera angles.

What I didn't know is that none of that matters when you've got one of the best cards in recent memory taking place right in front of you.

UFC 187 didn't get off to a great start. The prelims were pretty boring, and that's putting it lightly.

Even the first fight of the main card was meh. That being said, it was a lot better than any fight on the prelims so it got my blood pumping.

But then, after the first fight, something magical happened.

Shit got real.

Andrei "the Pitbull" Arlovski, once my favourite fighter in the UFC, rekindled my love for prizefighting.

I admit I was skeptical about Arlovski's return to the UFC. I used to love this guy but then something happened. He started getting KO'd, got a little gun-shy, then made his way through a series of inferior organizations with mixed results.

I'd seen this downward slide enough to know what was happening to him. Once you get put to sleep a few times, you start to lose your ability to take a punch. Pretty soon a hard sneeze is enough to earn you a standing 8 count

While outside of the UFC Arlovski won some and lost some. Clearly he won enough to get himself back to the big league. He even strung together three wins in the UFC, knocking out Bigfoot Silva in the process.

Yet despite his win-streak, I still doubted him. I thought for sure Browne would crack that weak chin of his and put him away. Boy did I get it wrong.


Sweet baby Jesus. Did you watch that? Wow.

If I had watched the fight at home I would've been standing on the couch yelling my face off. How much better was it live? Just imagine 16,000 people roaring in amazement and clapping until their hands went numb.

It was fucking unreal.

Here's what I really liked about Arlovski's performance:
  • He let his hands go. I feel like he became gun-shy for a while there. Well not anymore! He threw some really beautiful combinations, and lots of 'em. 
  • He worked the body diligently. Anyone who knows me knows I fucking love body shots. They're extremely under-utilized in MMA and it makes me sad. After he got hurt, Browne did a good job protecting his head. So Arlovski went downstairs and made him pay. Those were some nasty shots to the ribs!
  • You see when Arlovsky threw a punch that missed and hit him on the way back? What the hell was that? He did it twice and even knocked Browne down with it at one point. 
  • He threw unorthodox combos. At least, unorthodox in MMA. For instance, the combo he used to put Browne away--a right uppercut followed by an overhand right--is extremely uncommon in MMA and hard to land successfully. Anytime you see a fighter double up with the same hand, you know he/she is a skilled boxer.
  • He got his chin back!!! At one point Browne, who's game as fuck and deserves mad props for lasting as long as he did, caught Arlovski with a massive left hook that sent him spinning to the ground. I thought for sure that was it, game over, but I was wrong again. Arlovski came back and finished Browne shortly after.
Is Arlovski back? I don't know, man. I hope so. It's rare to see an aging prizefighter mount a successful comeback. For every Couture, Hopkins, and Lawler there's a dozen Tysons, Alis, and Liddells.

There's nothing worse than watching you favourite fighter get demolished time after time because he doesn't know when to call it quits.

On the flip-side, there's nothing better than watching an old favourite mount a spectacular comeback.

Arlovski says he's hungry. He says he wants the belt.

And after last Saturday I believe him.

Of the three predictions I made regarding UFC 187, this fight is the only one I got wrong. And I'm glad!

If you get a chance to watch this one in its entirety, do so. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Short Story Interlude

So I got back from my first trip to Vegas yesterday. I'm still processing the experience but I'll have lots to write about in the days to come. 

Unfortunately I don't have anything written yet so I thought I'd share a short story I wrote a few years ago.

About this story: 
  • It's 1,414 words long, so longer than my average blog post;
  • It's actually the prelude of a full-length novella I intended to write but never got around to;
  • I originally wrote it to show my friend an example of the voice or style I thought she should use to write her own story; and
  • It's filthy and dirty. If you're offended by anal sex, for example, don't read this.
If I had to sum this story up I would say it's like a harlequin written by Chuck Palahniuk. Enjoy!




The hotel room is small and cramped and smells faintly of mould and cigarettes. Tucked away in the nowhere states of Idaho or Wyoming, it's exactly the sort of place I would expect Karl to pick for a secret rendezvous. 

He jumps to his feet the moment I open the door. His eyes are bright with relief, with a smouldering kind of pleasure.

Karl doesn’t have the capacity for love so I guess this is the next best thing.

He takes my breath away just for a minute: six-foot-something, blonde, with eyes too blue to be real and the jaw-line of a fifties  movie star. His arms are sculpted and his neck and shoulders stretch his t-shirt taunt, the result of military service and a failed career in cage-fighting.

Not failed, sorry. That would imply past success.

Not career, either. That would imply making money.

He looks at me standing in the doorway framed by the dull glare of the dusty mid-western sun, and he says, “I knew you’d come.”

I drop my bag by the door and squint at the darkness inside the room. The curtains are drawn and the air conditioning is blasting. It’s like a frozen tomb in there. A quick scan reveals a half-empty bottle of Jack and an ash-tray crammed full of scrunched-up little filters.

Karl, staring at me with a puppy’s devotion, he says, “I knew I could talk sense into that thick fucking skull of yours.”

If by talk sense he means “blackmail,” then yes. The way he says “thick fucking skull” with fondness in his voice, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. 

He’s gorgeous but not much in the way of coherent thoughts. He’s like those hot guys on the cover of all those shitty paperback harlequins you see at the pharmacy.

No substance. Just a pretty face.

“Well? What the fuck are you waiting for? Get in here.” The love in his eyes hardens into something else—impatience, the seed of anger. I take two steps into the room and close the door behind me. 

I can feel the grit and filth of the carpet through my shoes.

He embraces me in his big muscular arms and presses my face into his damp t-shirt. Aqua Digio overlaps the thin, sour smell of perspiration. Just sitting there, pressed up against the hard musculature of his body, I start to get a little wet. 

I won’t lie. He’s a caveman, crude, bad-tempered, jealous, a complete and utter failure in almost every sense of the word. He's good at two things: the first is how we met in the first place. The second is the reason I stuck it out with him for six months, flew him out to meet me, took him shopping, and bought him $100 steak dinners.

He isn’t gentle when he shoves me onto the bed, nor do I want him to be. The sheets don’t smell altogether clean but I don’t care anymore. By the time he tears my pants off I’m panting and moaning. 

“You don’t know how badly I been wanting to do this,” he groans into my ear, and me, I turn my head just a little bit and I tell him to stick it in my ass, to pound my ass so fucking hard.

“You bet your bottom dollar I will,” he says in his Nebraskan accent.

So unlike my husband, in every way.

It’s this exact thought that brings me back to reality. Not the reality of this shitty hotel room. Not the reality of this moronic redneck thrusting up against me, making this meaty slap-slap sound.

It’s the reality of my life. Of what I’ve done, what I’m doing, and what I’m about to do. The Holy Trinity of my fucked up life.

I decide I’m going to enjoy my last time with Karl. The certain knowledge that it's nearly over helps me to enjoy the sex a little more than I normally might. 

Don’t get me wrong, this sort of thing is a real treat. My husband, God bless him, he’s a much more reserved kind of man. A gentleman, loving, caring, sensitive, smart. 

Mention anal-beads and he laughs. Mention fisting or felching, golden-showers or role-playin1g, anything that isn’t good old fashion missionary, and he thinks you’re kidding. The whips and leather, the rough stuff, autoerotic asphyxiation, all of that belongs to a shady subculture my husband wants nothing to do with.

My husband, God bless him, he needs to brush his teeth and shower before we engage in any sexual activities. Doesn’t want me to taste his coffee breath or, heaven forbid, swallow a stray pubic hair while giving him a blowjob.

Karl makes me feel like a real woman. And by that, I mean like a real slut.

“Oh my fuck, I'm gonna cum so hard in your ass. Oh fuck—“ Karl is going harder, faster, and he smacks my ass so hard I swear everyone in this nameless little mid-western shithole hears it. He yanks my hair and I clench up in pain, in pleasure, and that’s all it takes to push him over the edge. 

I feel him tense and spasm and he howls like a mongrel dog at my back.

And then it’s over. Just like that.

If only my husband could see me now.

Karl gets off and burps loudly. “Fuck. I’m gonna hit the shower baby.”

I’m still laying there on the dirty mattress, wondering how many women have been sodomized on this exact spot. I wonder, half in a daze, my ass aching, how did I get here?

I grab my bag and pull out a bottle of wine. The shower’s on and I can hear Karl humming happily to himself. There’s no table in the room so I put the bottle down on top of the big TV set, pull out two plastic cups, and set them down.

I find Karl's gym bag and rummage through it. It doesn't take me long to find the compromising photos. 

When he comes out of the shower I’m sitting on the ratty love seat by the window, plastic cup in one hand, yellow envelope in the other. 

“Oh, hey,” he says, looking at the envelope. “Don’t get any crazy ideas. I made copies of those pictures.” He taps his temple with a forefinger to indicate the cunning of his plan.

I ask him if he really loves me. I mean, he must to go through all this trouble, to plan out this entire scheme, to threaten to destroy my already crumbling marriage. 

He thinks we can be together forever. In that fucked up mind of his he think he can blackmail me into spending the rest of my life with him.

“Are you dumb? Of course I fucking love you. Why do you think I’m doing all of this? You’re not smart enough to know what you want, what’s good for you. That’s why you need me.”

Me, with my masters degree and my 100k-a-year career, I’m too stupid to know what I want. 

It’s the most astute observation Karl has made during our time together. “Come sit with me,” I say. “Let’s toast.” 

I motion to the plastic cup sitting on the TV.

“To our life together,” he toasts. The beautiful moron. He chuckles and tosses back the wine in one swallow. Just like that.

More like our last time together, I tell him.

The mean look in his eyes stirs up all the emotions I've been feeling of late. I wouldn’t say I hate myself for doing all of this, for falling into this bizarre downward spiral that seems to never end. I could never hate myself.

But I can hate the things I’ve done.

Karl, his face is already turning red, and the look of anger is gradually transforming before my eyes. I watch in wonder and read the thoughts as they scroll across his ruggedly handsome features. First is confusion, the furrowing of his brow; then, suspicion followed by the bright light of realization. 

“No. Fucking. Way,” he croaks. He can’t believe it. He tries to lunge for me but his muscles, his perfectly sculpted muscles, they seize up from lack of oxygen. 

His throat is swelling shut. He stumbles, collapses, lets out an anguished cry, but it's a whisper compared to the sounds of our fucking just a few minutes ago.

I stay sitting on the couch and watch his eyes bulge grotesquely. His body twitches and shivers. 

I watch him die. And the last thing that skitters across my mind before he stops thrashing is, how did this start?

And, did I love you?

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Insatiable

I live my life in a constant state of tension.

I feel it from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. And on those rare occasions when I dream, it follows me there too.

It's this voice, sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting: "WRITE."

I spent years ignoring it or placating it with excuses. "I can't write now," I'd say in a whiny voice. "I need to relax. I had a long day. My head's not in it. I need to be inspired."

All bullshit excuses. 

Now though I'm coming to realize something disturbing. 

The more I write, the louder the voice gets.

The more I produce, the greater the tension.

I thought for sure that starting up the blog again would satisfy the voice but I'll be damned if it isn't getting more demanding.

That little voice, it's insatiable.

Every little scrap of spare-time I get, I'm looking around like a junkie for my next fix.

Coffee break? Got my laptop with me?

Time to pound out a couple paragraphs.

Wife's busy? Kids are playing?

I'll just edit this little bit here. Won't take me long! I swear.

If I'm not getting my fix I'm itching to do so. I'm composing in my head. I'm trying out new lines. I'm thinking how I can organize the chapters, how I can convey the message.

If you see me looking off into the distance, totally absorbed in my own thoughts, now you know what  I'm doing.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

TM4PM?

A friend of mine invited me to go watch Tom Mulcair speak last Thursday. Having never attended such an event before I decided I'd give it a shot and see once and for all what this orange Kool-Aid tastes like.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sad to report that the NDP Kool-Aid tastes an awful lot like all the other sugary soft-drinks out there.

Let me preface this by saying I dislike all four major political parties, though not equally. The Northern Republicans are clearly the worst but I don't see any other party doing great. There are flashes of competence here and there but far too few in my estimation.

When you can count the number of good MP's in the house of commons on two hands, you know things are bleak.

That's why the upcoming election isn't about picking the best: it's about not picking the worst.

Thankfully I think most of us know who that is.


As we were walking out of the rally I told my friend: "We've given the Liberals and Conservatives numerous opportunities to lie, cheat, and steal from us: now it's time we give the NDP a chance to do the same."

In this vein I'll gladly root for Tom and the NDP.

If that sounds cynical, I apologize. Note that I didn't say whether they will lie, cheat, and steal, only that they deserve a chance to be in a position to do so.

I just can't bring myself to trust a party or candidate on words alone since, as we know, there is no incentive or mechanism in place to ensure they make good on their promises. 

They can literally say whatever they think Canadians want to hear in order to solicit that sweet, sweet vote.

And that's precisely what Tommy did here last Thursday.

Reading his speech off three large teleprompters set up behind the audience, he delivered his empty rhetoric like a good little marionette. With artificial smile in tow he followed the script with the expertise of a trained actor.

...
Who knows? Maybe that was the real Mulcair up there. Maybe he always has speaking notes and teleprompters around so he knows how to say what he means in just the right way.

"Hey honey, are you ready for bed?"

"You know what I'm ready for, honey? I'M READY TO BRING HOPE AND OPTIMISM TO CANADIAN POLITICS! I'M READY TO REPEAL C51! I'M READY TO GIVE YOU CHEAP DAYCARE AND A $15 MINIMUM WAGE! ARE YOU WITH ME? (look at audience)."

The entire event felt so artificial, so disingenuous, so contrived! Afterward my friend looked very concerned. "You seemed like you wanted out of there badly," he said.

Badly doesn't begin to describe it. 

More than anything I wanted to have a shower.

The orange signs, cues to applause, scripted speeches, and feverish zeal made me feel dirty. 

Why can't we have real, authentic people in charge? Why do they have to pander to the crowd? Why do they need speaking points? Don't they know what they stand for? What they'll do once in power? 

Clearly I expect too much from these politicians. I guess I just think we deserve better. No, I believe we can do better.

In any case this doesn't change anything. I still hope the NDP wins, if only so we can say we gave them a shot. 

One last observation. 

Speaking before the main event, MP Randall Garrison had the audacity to say that Mulcair was the first leader to stand up to uncle Steve and oppose C51.

That's rich!

Elizabeth May was in fact the first to publicly oppose C51 with Mulcair coming in a very distant second, but who cares about verifiable facts? It's all about one-upmanship and the art of spin. It's not about what happened but what you can convince the public happened. 

Is it just me or does it seem like the NDP is taking a page out of the Northern Republican playbook here? 

Monday, May 18, 2015

Ode to El Gingeroso

When I was in grade three I got into a fight with a ginger.

Before you ask, the answer is yes, I managed to hang on to my soul.
 

My memory of the event is probably more like a memory of a memory of a memory by now, rewritten and edited over years of watching boxing and MMA fights. Even so, I'll try to reenact it for you.

It's recess. I'm standing outside arguing with this freckled kid from another class. A third kid stands between us: he's friends with both of us and trying to keep the peace.

He fails, miserably.

So he becomes the referee.

The ginger and I start exchanging blistering combinations and slick counters, leg kicks and thai elbows and spinning back-fists.

At least, that's how I choose to remember it.

Then my opponent shoots for a takedown, puts me on my back, and starts raining down punishment.

I tap.

Our friend the referee pulls my opponent off me. I'm laying there, feeling a little dizzy, when a big freckled hand materializes in front of me.

I take it. My opponent helps me to my feet. I tell him, "Good fight."

He says, "Yeah, you too."

We shake hands and start playing freeze-tag like nothing even happened.

These were simpler times!

Fast forward 24 years and this kid and I are still friends. More than that, he's the brother I never had.

Little brother, of course, because I'm five days his elder.

I've had the pleasure and privilege of growing up with this exceptional human being. I had the honour of being the best man at his wedding. And now I get to watch his beautiful little daughter grow up right alongside my kids.

That beating I took in grade three? Worth every second.


He goes by many names.

Dukie.

El Gingeroso.

The River Shitter.

What you call him matters not.

It's what he is that matters.


Loyal. Reliable. High-larious.

You want to know about Rocky?

He's your guy.

You want a fish caught? 

He's your guy.

You want your favourite song

butchered out of tune;

your worst mood turned to laughter;

a drink spilled on your carpet?

He's your guy.


He's not so much a man as he is

a force of nature,

a storm of laughter and love

and powerful lips.


Tomatoes, squash, pumpkins:

his kryptonite.

Fishing, football, and caffeine:

his elixirs.


To observe El Gingerso 

is to study the blueprint

of manhood. Behold!

He is all man:

father, husband, brother,

son and friend ever-present;

 a staunch competitor

who puts health and wellbeing 

second to victory;

a bard with humorous tales;

he's all these things 

and more.


32 years ago today

he charged out of the womb

into the light of day,

tackled a nurse, 

and, seeing his handiwork, 

threw a celebratory kick.

It was a glorious day

worthy of celebration.


Happy birthday, brother.